I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
