i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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