I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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