My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
