Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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