First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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