Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
