i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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