i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
