when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
