i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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