thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
