mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
