Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So much rum. So many feels.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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