I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
