Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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