my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
