im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
