Having a random hookup so left but love u
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
