i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
