Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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