Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
