Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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