Heybabeimwearingurpanties
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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