Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
