i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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