Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
