Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
