he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
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