upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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