So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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