I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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