How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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