Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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