Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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