you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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