The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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