im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
