I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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