I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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