I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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