dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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