I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
