I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize