Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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