I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
