apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
