I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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