The maid of honor just puked.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
