i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
