This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Boobs speak an international language.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
