How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
