Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
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