i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
