I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
