I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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