Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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