From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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