It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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