dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
