I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
