i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
